April 1 – Catch up on gardening — sew leaves back onto trees. Do all the cooking for ‘the end of the world dinner.’
April 2 – Take stray dog apart. Cook and make dog stock. Write book on Survival-ism and the harvesting of local food resources.
April 3 – Buy Indian/Pakistani carpets to support their children and the poor.
April 4 – Drain water tank; refill with cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks.
April 5 – Lay Faberge egg.
April 6 – Freshen air by sliding deodorant shoe inserts into heat pumps.
April 7 – Use Ancestor.com to splice DNA from dinosaurs into my children.
April 8 – A blank – what happened?
April 9 – Finish needle pointing colostomy cozy.
April 10 – Organize spice rack by genius and phylum.
April 11 – Attend workshop on obsessive-compulsive disorder. No notes, but renew from habit.
April 12 – Replace Air Freshener in all my rooms in case I dye and am not found in a timely manner.
April 13 – Address sympathy cards for all friends with dementia so they’ll be ready to be mailed the moment they know their death occurs.
April 14 – Get new eyeglasses; grind lenses from beach glass.
April 15 – Fashion cat o’ nine tails. Flog the gardener. Talk to I.R.S. again.
April 16 – Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in chocolate and vanilla.
April 17 Harvest enemies. Place in crock pots. Remove air. Sauerkraut them.
April 18 – Gild lilies – like the govt. does daily.
April 19 – Dinner with Royal Family. Enjoy the Ritz crackers with chutney.
April 20 -Read “Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus,” Suggest to authors Ur anus as the next planet to investigate.
April 21 – Visit crematorium. Collect dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.
April 22 – Visited gardener, whose bathtub to dust bath bathroom conversion, inspired me to go out and redesign the chicken pen.
April 23 – My bird bread recipe now eliminates Sequim lavender. The omelets are much improved.
April 24 – On Colonoscopy. I loved the Rite-Aid enema prescription so much I went in for a refill.
April 25 – I Feng Shui’d the chicken pen and found unexpected buried cash in the rut-a-begga bed.
Sometimes, men need to suck it up. Whether that’s cleaning out the gutters, diving into a gnarly diaper for the first time, or getting that colon consolatory-scopy because they need to be done.
I can do most of that on the CHEAP! Night scopes help on the latter.
Song was ‘Masochism Tango’ by Tom Lehrer. I attended a few of his lectures and may admit to having been minutely infected – or activated by by his genius and sense of humor.