• Phone conversations and many other verbal activities are over in 30 seconds or less.
• Movie nudity is virtually always female.
• You don’t have to monitor your friends’ sex lives.
• Bathroom lines are 80% shorter and you never have to pretend you are freshening up
• You can open all your own jars.
• You never, ever have to squeeze anything the size of a watermelon out of any orifice.
• Dry cleaners and hair cutters don’t rob you blind.
• You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
• You never have to drive to another gas station because this one’s just to dirty.
• You never have to clean the toilet.
• You don’t have to learn to spell a new last name.
• You can leave the motel bed unmade.
• You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
• Best of all you don’t have to shave below your neck.
• When going out you can be showered and ready in 10 minutes or less.
• You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
• Flowers solve everything.
• Wedding plans take care of themselves.
• Wedding dress — $2,000. Tuxedo rental – 75 bucks.
• If someone forgets to invite you to something, they can still be your friend.
• Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
• If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
• Hot wax is used on your car and  never comes near your pubic area.
• Everything on your face stays its original color.
• All your orgasms are real.
• Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
• You don’t have to clean your house if the meter reader is coming.
• Car mechanics tell you the truth.
• You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking: “He must be mad at me.”
• Your butt is never a factor in a job interview. Nor do interviewers glance at your chest when talking to you.
• Same work … more pay. We still rake in more dough!
  
• Bachelor parties whomp big time over bridal showers.
• Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.
• You don’t mooch off others desserts.
• You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
• If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you  become lifelong friends.
• You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
• Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with. “So, notice anything different?”
• You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors. Or fragrances!
  
• You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
• You  never have strap problems in public and you never have to bother leaving the room to make a crotch adjustment.
• God designed us to make it easier to pee.
• You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
• You can write your name in the snow.
• The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
• You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing.
• If an other guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you  become lifelong buddies.
• You can “do” your nails with a pocket knife.
• You can be proud that you know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
• Foreplay is considered an optional.
• Your belly usually hides your big hips.
• You don’t have to curl up next to a hairy butt every night.
• You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing.
• One wallet, one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
• You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
• Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.
• A well-rendered belch is practically expected.
• Like cheese men age better as they grow older.
• Comes down to it … we are bigger and stronger than women.
• Men don’t trash talk down their friends as women do.
• Reason I stayed married so long. Body heat. Men simply make better bed warmers than women do.
• Best of all. Men don’t have a biological clock. We’re good to go until the little  rooster rests.

Why Women are Proud of Themselves — or happy to be women: Despite their options!

•  You never have to change a tire, pump gas or open a jar….unless you want to.
•  Let’s face it – we are in charge of procreation.
• Women know who the real fathers are.
•  We can cry at any event and won’t be thought any less for it.
• We can get away with “If you don’t know why I’m mad at you, then I’m certainly not going to tell you”.
• We can bring down presidents just by opening our mouths.
• Erectile dysfunction. What is that?
• We never wonder if something looks good together–we just KNOW.
• We never have to check (to see if it’s still there, I guess) or adjust our “equipment”, if you know what I mean.
• Women never tell everything they know.
• Nor do they ever listen to everything their mates think they should know.
• When the old bucket they are married gets leaky, they don’t try to fix it – they just get a new bucket.
• Unlike men some of our  orgasms are for real.
• Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it’s our job  to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into  something with which we would like to have dinner with.
• We never swallowed the Christian tale that some parts were missing. They are simply more evolutionary and better protected.
• In water, our bodies have evolved to have natural life preservers.
• Intuition is in our jeans – Men are jealous because the voices don’t talk to you. I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
• When shopping we make strategic purchases for the long-term rather than on impulse buys that the guys make.
• Even if we have to spend twice as much for the same under- ware the fashion choice is better.
• We LIVE LONGER!

All that said, it seems that the majority of women would rather come back as male rather than female. I had explored that venue in an old web site re-incarnation article but the shoe would be on the other foot.

One gal I know, simply gushes for some bald guy named Yul Brynner. I reminded her that God might give her Telly Suvalas instead. Like me wanting to be re-born as …well you can read about it in my old article. I feel a Phyllis Dyller remake would be my fate – just as long it is not Rosie O’Donnell.

Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it’s our job  to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something with which you’d like to keep.
Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary and give you a headache.

The audio was the Austin lounge Lizards. ‘Saguaro’

(C) Herb Senft 2014