In the land of Dungonia and the matter of stuffed Christmas stockings and other such wonderful gifts.

Editorial warning. I found an especially moving ad in a very proper East Coast garden magazine.  I wrote the company an interview letter. It may have over-stepped the line of good taste. In my defense I was excited to find a mind as warped as mine. Consider this to be a readers form: Was I too rude? Too Crude?

Irrelevant? (either spelling) Be honest, I have a very tough hide.This former New Joisian appreciates hard critiques. The “nicer” West Coaster wants to know if the story was out of line. Kaopectable from day one!  For this reason, I will re-print the gist  of my letter to the Doo collectors. There is no serious outcome to this story, so pull on your boots and doo wade through it.

Dear Dungonians, Solicitations, Err I mean felicitations from a West Coast reader who was amure’d by your tasteful Christmas offerings in Horticulture. Sorry, no $13.45 to warm the cochlea of your bowels. From what I gather, you’ve got the green coming in spades. You do however, have a sincere entreaty to submit an article to yours truly. Call if Flop of the dung-balls, call it what you may, but please don’t put your head between your knees.

The malaise of editorial rejections should not make you pause the runnings I would put to page. So bowl me over, read the guidelines below.  Do communicate, do respond. Your contributions will be highly flushed, even if I recycle them as tissue.

Writer’s Guidelines or call it suggestions: A step by step walk through a day in the shoes of a zoo-doo collector.

7:30 The day begins…
8:00 …
10:00 …  (Boy, these would be a delight to doo!)

Fill it in. Your imagination should be free to wander. Or would you allow me? Obviously, I’d have no trouble hitting the mark. Still truth can sometimes be stranger than fiction.  Perhaps, you could supply me with some background information.
Answers to: Employee’s name John Moleturd for example, or not be sexist here, Ms. Mauve Bowles. An interview format would be another delightful option, tongue and cheek. Humor in your situation.  A serious follow up, would however be nice, with a free ad to my Bindweed magazine.

QUESTIONS:

Are you an equal opportunity collector?
Do you offer apprenticeship programs?
How does one advance in your operation?
Your company picnics, are they on site?
Have you ever considered franchises – or the possibility of a Dung of the Month Club?
Have you ever lost anyone on the job?
If so where and how? Perhaps something vile happened to John Moleturd?
Now deceased. We could also go for pathos … A sad and befowling end.
I hesitate to ask, but what might the Thanksgiving and Christmas bonus’s be like?
Do people pad their resumes to fit the job?
(Like I’m a real regular type of guy. Do their S.A.T. scores have to be high?)
Do you have a quality control officer?
Do they have to have a nose for the job?
Even worse do they have to brown nose for this job! Or is that too impolite? Guess the question should have read, will brown nosing get this interviewee anywhere?

(C) Herb Senft 1996