Sensuous Rocks
So how can you tell if you are a Rockaholic? Grade the depth of your affliction on your responses to the questions asked below.If you are a Rockaholic, you must meet a certain threshold. Keep score as many are worth extra points! I stared some my own foibles!
1. You identify and look at the rocks and geology rather than the flesh when watching R rated movies! **
2. Your partner comments that your Erotica is misplaced in the rock tumbler.
3. You pull into every new road cut you see. *
4. Your sap runs higher when you stroke a well polished slab or sexy rock rather than a person!
5. Vacation topics with friends are built around the rocks you brought home.
6. The house foundation has taken a slope to it for the weight of your rock display. *
7. You can pronounce“molybdenite” correctly on the first try.
8. Your bald head is often compared to Ayers rock.
9. Speaking of polished and enlarged things. Our shop manager’s belt buckle is six inches across.
10. You have asked your local rock store to open a Drive-Through Window!
11. When New Ager’s dangle their crystal’s, you begin to salivate. **
12. You have a permanent bucket with tools in the trunk of your car. **
13. You have a bumper sticker saying. “I brake for rocks.”
14. Your PC screen saver features pictures or rocks.
14. Your dating plan is to wait and hit on someone at the local rock show.
15. Your pockets or washing machine always have pebbles or rocks in them. **
16. U have rolled a boulder down the hill, trying to bounce it into the bed of your pickup! **
17. You went to a rock festival thinking it was selling rocks.
18. At Halloween you give out rocks instead of candy.
19. At the golf course you apologize every time your ball hits a boulder.
20. Your flower garden is replaced with a rock garden or a Zen pebble garden. *
21. You give rocks, tumblers, or rock pictures for Christmas.
23. You belong to a rock club that uses rocks for center-pieces for the Christmas dinner.
24. You use your rock pick for personal hygiene! (update! at bottom)
25. You go purchasing things at the Home Depot just to get another nice bucket.
26. When your friends say they’re going to Tucson, you assume it’ll ‘be in February.
27. You think rock freaks of nature are things to bring home and cherish! *
28. Worse yet you believe a Druzi refers to a religious cult.
29. For tax purposes you suggest to your club that it becomes a rock worshiping Church.”Church of Sweet Geodes”.The club treasurer didn’t agree. Hence ‘Sweet Geodes’ **
30. You evaluate your employees on the Mhos scale.
31. You named your child Jewel, Metallica, Obsidian, Grit, Opal or Beryl.
32. Your passenger seat is more often filled with rock samples instead of a date! **
33. If on that date you begin your conversation as being an expert on “chalcedony.”
34. You invite your date for a roll in the rock pit which turns out to be very chippy indeed!
35. Worse yet you compliment her on her boulder sized figure.
36. You can find Quartzite on a map in less than five minutes.
37. Your bookshelf holds more rocks than books. 50/50
38. You stand waiting by the road sign that reads. “WATCH FOR FALLING ROCK.”
39. If your wife opens the dishwasher and yells your name. *
40. U view your potential mate as how well he or she can motivate the wheelbarrow or back pack!
41. You invite your In-laws to help you rock hunt in rattlesnake country. *
42. In your divorce the custody battle is about the children. Chalcedony, Grit and Obsidian!
43. Divorce, when mentioned to your lawyer is referred to as cleavaging.
44. Part of the problem being … she calls you Igneous, worse yet Sedimentary.
45. Regarding #41. You forget to bring your snake bite kit along.
46. You come home from the lapidary saw smelling like oil and your wife adds the Vinegar.
47. Worse yet you begin enjoying the smell of the oil! *
48. Visiting Europe, you’re the only member who looks at the cathedral walls with a rock magnifier.
49. Regarding that rock filed bookshelf above your head – they now pose an earthquake hazard. *
50. If you know and really can pronounce “chalcedony” correctly
51. The first thing you pack for your vacation is a chisel and a hammer, making plane travel difficult and Homeland Security very nervous. ** (Serious mishap there!)
52. Manicurist exclaims ”Why honey chile, Ah neva done seen humpbacked calluses like these.”Whatever do you eva do!”
53. Grit, Obsidian and Chalcedony rebel and report you for child abuse for their names.
54. You have begun to personalize and name the rocks you own. **
55. You consider Rock maps deep thrill reading. *
56. You compliment your partner’s polish and sheen.
57. You hang around heavy Rock Shops hoping to snag a hunk – or is it just a slab?
58. You sign your cards with conglomerately yours instead of sincerely or love.
59.Your wife stops calling you a “coach potato” and refers to you as sedimentary porphory.
60. Campho-Pheque, Ben Gay and Momentum are your drugs of choice. **
61. Your kayak partner is left behind when you collect a 5 gallon stash of beach agates. **
62. You examine the rocks in driveways or at the airport landscaping/ even fish tanks. *
63 Your car has been a stranger to your garage for years. **
64. Airport security gives you an extra going over the underwear cushioned stones that scan as grenades. **
65. The baggage and ticket handlers remember you and refuse to take your luggage. **
65. When the county tells you that you to have a landfill permit should you store any more rocks on your property. **
66. Field trips have been held on your property.
67. Les Schwab exclaims that they have never seen such a tread separation as on my one-ton Toyota. “What the heck did you put in it?” ** Insurance is canceled.
68. Words like tumbling or vibratory turn out to be more used in the garage than in the bedroom.*
69. You suggest to the hotel management that their aquarium rocks should be upgraded with sparky quartz or better. *
70. Your on-line bank statement, chart of expenses show that rock purchases have now exceeded the food purchases.
71. Your date asks if you prefer dogs or cats and you respond – “I have a pet rock.”
72. You then ask her if you could put a backpack on her dog.
73. You have created a rock and mineral base on your computer.
74. The computer has a mineral or rock hounding screen saver.
75. You treat your rock saw like a classic car and wax it every month.
76. Referring to #37 The books on that bookshelf are mostly on rocks.
77. When a furniture leg breaks off you have a rock big enough to replace it. **
78. Personal hygiene. I seriously considered buying one of those dental water piks. It was for my crystals, not for my teeth! ** Search is on at eBay!
79 The clincher is when you start talking to them as pets. *
80. Even worse, they start talking back and you begin having meaningful conversations!
Turns out that I was 71 proof.
Those of you scoring above 40% seriously consider the Rockaholics Getaway.
70-proof—You are a proud and deserving recipient of my Terminal Rockaholics award”
(C) 2012 Herb Senft